I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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