I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
