our cab driver is having phone sex.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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