no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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