Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
