I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
