my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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