i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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