I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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