There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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