Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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