I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
