i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
