alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
