So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
