I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I AM VODKA MAN
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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