my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
