the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
