your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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