our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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