im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
