if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I take back everything I said about communal showers
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
