Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
