I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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