You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
