He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Help. Why am I so naked?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
