So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
