Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
