Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
