i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
