If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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