you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
