They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
