so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
