So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
