After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
