I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
