Don't you send me to vm
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
