I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
