U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
