party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
