The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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