I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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