it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
