What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I want to be your penis for a week.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
