i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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