I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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