I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
