the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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