Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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